I spend my whole day sleeping or on the internet just waiting for Sean to come home so I can do whatever he wants to do. No one talks to me. I’ve even noticed on the rare occasions I’m with people I used to be able to talk to for hours I don’t say a word. My opinions don’t count anymore, I’m nothing. To make this even worse, Sean is away to America for 16 days on Monday. I will be alone in this depressed mood and I don’t know what to do. I have no job, no hobbies and no friends and all I end up doing is putting on a happy face and pretending everything is alright but it’s not. To make matters even better, I’ve not had my period in 45 days now and I’m in a mood where I either will not drink at all or will get super drunk. Wanting to die is not fun but telling someone you want to die is even less fun so instead I will keep it in my crazy little head.
June 2013
11 posts
I know it’s lame and he’ll probably just pretend to like it for my sake but a little present never hurt anyone and he’s addicted to the Simpsons so hopefully it goes over well :)
I am a violent and emotional drunk and I accidentally hit my bf in the balls and then ran away crying. I spent hours with an ex who then told me I was gorgeous and that he missed me and that he wished we could be together again. The worst part is I miss him too. Especially when my boyfriend tries to feed me antidepressants and then knowing I’m being emotional asks me “who is my stupid little girl?” Thanks I’ve been thinking of suicide every day for the past week but I’ve tried to act normal so that you don’t worry but maybe you should worry. Maybe you should see that my laziness and apathy are due to my severe depression. Rather than reminding me how lazy, indecisive and worthless I am. I’ve had boyfriends that haven’t been able to get me out of my depression but I don’t think I’ve ever had a guy who has made me hate myself more.
- push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.
I kicked my ex in the balls because he mucked up my hair.
I called him an asshole later in the night after threatening to punch him in the face for singing.
I have hit guys that I barely know before usually with no real reason.
I smoked a little last night, I only ever tried a taste twice from an ex before that.
I’m unhappy and I know that I’m unhappy but I keep telling myself to just keep going.
I get annoyed with my boyfriend for not dancing with me when he cooks for me, takes me out places, watches kids movies with me, hangs out with my friends and treats me like his princess.
I literally do not know why I’m still alive. I’m a horrible person and I do kinda wish I was dead so that no one had to put up with me.
But need to look for jobs! I can’t be in this flat forever. I can’t let myself become this girl again. I need to volunteer and find a job and not be this dependent little girl. I know he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see that him calling me his spoilt/poor/little princess makes me feel like I’m worthless. He says I’m just not used to nice guys, in fact I’ve been in this exact situation before. The only way I can get out of it is to get a job. It makes me more confident in my abilities, it makes me feel like I have a purpose and it means I am not just some little girlfriend who can be used because she’s so weak.
The last two days we’ve been pretty distant even though we pretty much live together now. I just feel like even though we’ve now said “I love you” I’m the only one that means it. I need to get a job so he isn’t the only thing in my life.
I also know his mum is worried that as I’m a student and am currently jobless that I will try to scrounge off him, if anything I’m trying to pay my fair share at all times even when my current budget is about 4x less than his. I’ve wanted to cry numerous times. I love him, I really do but I hate being seen as this spoilt little girl.
I really need to pack up all my shit and move back to my flat, I’ll feel so much happier in the sense that I won’t be living in his pocket or annoying him and we might actually value our time together. But I’ll have major withdrawal symptoms but it’s now or in 3 weeks when he’s away in America for 2 weeks.
May 2013
125 posts
I know I shouldn’t it’s not even been 20 hours since I saw him and we spoke on facebook like all day but I miss cuddling close to him. I miss hearing him call me princess. I miss watching fighting robots and him killing zombies and making fun of him liking wrestling and Lego Stars Wars. I should really sleep so I can see him tomorrow night, hopefully after pole fitness to see Fast and Furious 6. I would love to go to my first foam party with him on Thursday night but then he’s also fire breathing on Friday which I would love to see too. And then one of the bands that he introduced me to are having a live stream at 4am on Sunday morning! I wanna see him all the time but then I’m so scared he realises I’m not worth it. I have such a fear of someone breaking up with me, I sometimes ruin things all on my own.
Appearance:
I am 5’4 or shorter.
I have many scars.
I tan easily.
I wish my hair was a different color.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have a tattoo.
I am self-conscious about my appearance.
I have/I’ve had/I need braces.
I wear glasses.
I’d get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free, scar-free.
I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
I have more than 2 piercings.
I have piercings in places besides my ears.
I have freckles.
Family/Home Life:
I’ve sworn at my parents.
I’ve been kicked out of the house.
I have a sibling less than one year old.
I want to have kids someday.
I have children.
I’ve lost a child.
Embarrassment:
I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
Disney movies still make me cry.
I’ve snorted while laughing.
I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
I’ve glued my hand to something.
I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
I’ve had my pants rip in public.
Health:
I was born with a disease/impairment.
I’ve had stitches.
I’ve broken a bone.
I’ve had my tonsils removed.
I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
I’ve had surgery.
I’ve had chicken pox.
Traveling:
I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day.
I’ve been to Canada.
I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
I’ve been to Japan.
I’ve celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
I’ve been to Spain.
I’ve been to Africa.
I’ve been to France.
I’ve been to London.Experiences:
I’ve been lost in my city.
I’ve seen a shooting star.
I’ve wished on a shooting star.
I’ve seen a meteor shower.
I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
I’ve been to a casino.
I’ve been skydiving.
I’ve gone skinny dipping.
I’ve played spin the bottle.
I’ve crashed a car
I’ve been skiing.
I’ve been in a play.
I’ve met someone in person from the internet.
I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
I’ve played chicken.
I’ve played a prank on someone
I’ve ridden in a taxi.
I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
I’ve eaten sushi.
I’ve been snowboarding.Relationships:
I’m single.
I’m in a relationship.
I’m available.
I’m engaged.
I’m married.
I’ve gone on a blind date.
I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
I miss someone right now.
I have a fear of abandonment.
I’ve been divorced.
I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
Sexuality:
I’ve had a crush on someone of the same gender.
I’ve kissed a member of the same gender.
I’ve had sex with more than one person at the same time.
I am a cuddler.
I’ve been kissed in the rain.
I’ve had sex outdoors.
I’ve hugged a stranger.
I have kissed a stranger.
I have had sex with a stranger.
Honesty/Crime:
I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
I have lied to my parents about where I am.
I am keeping a secret from the world.
I’ve cheated while playing a game.
I’ve run a red light.
I’ve been suspended from school.
I’ve witnessed a crime.
I’ve been in a fist fight.
I’ve been arrested.
I’ve shoplifted.
Drugs/Alcohol:
I’ve consumed alcohol.
I’ve smoked a cigarette.
I’ve smoked pot.
I regularly drink.
I’ve taken painkillers when I didn’t need them.
I’ve done hard drugs.
I’ve been addicted to an illegal drug.
- Styrofoam balls and red paint to make pokeballs
- Nando’s crisps, double deckers and stickers to send to Candy
I would make around £200-250 a week and have time to enjoy with my bf and have the money to enjoy myself :D
I feel like I should find it creepy or annoying or whatever but I don’t because I know he cares for me. I’ll be his PLP for as long as he’ll have me. He puts up with my lazy ass, he puts up with me stealing his clothes to wear, he puts up with me with no make up on, he puts up with my erratic sleeping patterns, he puts up with my annoying nature, he puts up with me not believing his compliments.
But I am looking to have a bar work job on Friday and Saturdays in the next few weeks and then a supermarket/cinema/phone shop/office job that gives me proper hours during the week by the end of June hopefully :)
I’m going on holiday with my ex, it’s probably going to end badly but at least I’ll have my mind on other things whilst my boyfriend (yeah we’re now official *surprise surprise*) is away in America.
I also hope to join the gym, dye my hair pale pink and do something more than sleep in my boyfriend’s bed all day this summer :/
I eat so much junk around you. I sleep like all day. I’m so scared to know how much I weigh now. I was half your weight, since knowing you I’ve probably put on over half a stone, maybe even a stone. It’s one of the reasons I want to be single again. I want to be able to starve myself again. You tell me I’m cute, adorable and even pretty but right now, I feel so ugly.
It amuses me greatly. But I can’t laugh. So I will just sleep here.
here’s a list of what i’d like to do with you:
- hug
- go on walks while holding hands
- smile
- kiss
- cuddle
- have cute little dates
- have movie nights
- take adorable pictures
- go new places
- try new things
- fall in love
- brutally fuck you
- look at the stars
- do everything i was ever scared to do alone.
and you’re being hypocritical with your advice. The exact things I was beating myself up about earlier are the same things I’m trying to convince them aren’t their fault. I did manage to speak to my (semi) bf about them today and best of all, he understood without making a big deal. He wants to help but I know it’s down to me to get that help. I have 6 hours to learn 3 more Business topics and 70% of my Comp Arch course… I’m so failing them both but ah well. I look forward to crying in one or both of my exams today…
But right now, all I want to do is go to Spring Gardens and give Louise lots of hugs. This is my problem, I don’t care about logic gates or business plans, I care about real people with real problems. I want to help, I want to cause happiness in others. Unfortunately I’m too unmotivated myself. I would like to create a Kickstarter for some UK version of To Write Love On Her Arms, create t-shirts, badges, wristbands and have local concerts and meetups to fight the stigma and to help teens and young adults make friends when they need them.
- I really like him
- I am going to fail my two exams in 34 and 38 hours
- I dislike wrestling but I’ll watch it with him happily
- I need to apply for jobs
Finding out he spent nearly half of what you live on a month, on a LEGO DEATH STAR! Yes, I get that you earn probably 3x what I get from my dad every month but my head can not comprehend how you can actually believe £275 for a Lego set is ever worth it. Like why don’t you just hire hot women to sleep with?! Why are you even interested in me at all?
To go from boyfriends who don’t work and are well into their overdrafts and having to help them financially to a guy who is earning a really decent amount… it’s crazy to me. He knows I’m crazy and yet he wants to try and make this work. I just don’t get it. He could have any girl he wanted, a girl who isn’t insecure, annoying, lazy and weird. Why the hell would he want me?
They all have amazing qualities and little flaws. I would pretty please like -
A shortish (5”7’-5”11’) guy with longish hair and some piercings/tattoos and preferably a split tongue ;) He would be geeky and into video games, John Green and secretly like chick flicks. He would have a job and be able to support himself. He would have his own flat which he would let me hang out in. He’d be my best friend and we’d share inside jokes and cuddle lots. He’d not pressure me into sex but enjoy it when we did it. He’d be chatty and we’d talk mostly every day, he’d not be desperate but he wouldn’t make me start all the conversations either. He’d protect me and treat me properly and he’d like my friends. He’d understand my depression and not try to act like it was nothing but not act like it’s the only thing I am. He would live within 20 minutes walk from me. He’d eat semi healthily as in he eats proper home cooked meals and not always go out for meals. He’d be pretty messy. He’d be strong enough to give me piggy backs. He would be on facebook and his phone a lot. He’d hopefully be studying something technology based.
Not asking too much :P
I now am talking to 5 guys when I should be studying. Two exes, two guys who have admitted liking me and my current bf. Sweets, crisps and energy drink and awesome friends and music… now this is why revision is so hard!
I have £12 and a Tesco near me so I’m going to get 6 bars of chocolate, 5 cans of energy drinks and a few packs of crisps. Drown my sorrows in food and then hopefully revise some.
I have £12 and a Tesco near me so I’m going to get 6 bars of chocolate, 5 cans of energy drinks and a few packs of crisps. Drown my sorrows in food and then hopefully revise some.
